Musings

There is melancholy floating through the chilly spring air; I’m wondering if it will get warm and stay warm any time soon, but working on being OK with what is.

There are four little mostly-featherless, not-seeing-yet baby birds in the nest now. I feel a sense of mammaness toward them; I check too many times a day to see how they are, what they’re doing. I think I’m falling in love with four little almost-birds.

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I believe I may have come late to this game: Bill Callahan, has sent into the world a new record today. I came across it quite by chance and was immediately mesmerized. His lyrics are smart and lovely. His voice warm and calming. And the guitar on this one, my god, the guitar on this one. Not to mention it may be the best music video ever.

She looked ravishing and age-appropriate in her yellow dress. It was a beautiful night. She stormed across that gym floor and took her place in the long and winding line of diploma-holders moving on into something else in life. Ready to be done, sad to be leaving, curious and nervous about the future.

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In the ending chaos she let me hold her beautiful head, let us have a moment of sorrow and pride there in that elementary school gymnasium. I can feel the lives I have lived seeping into her, her courage growing, her self coming into focus. She is the finest daughter co-pilot a mom could have. Before long she’ll take the damn wheel herself. I love her so.

I think this is pretty great, too, and reminds me of some pieces of my past as I put the finishing touches on eight years without booze. You will never regret it, someone said, you will never regret not drinking. I stand and watch this week as we lower two more fine humans into the ground, feeling how brief the arc of a life, and I know it to be true.

The altered states are nice, for a nanosecond or two; the blessings you will find in the every day, the ordinary will change you, shift molecules, ground and elevate you. Finding a way to be OK with what is, not wanting to disappear from it or make it go away; learning to “investigate things as they are and myself as I am” as the lovely Mirabai Starr has said … this is the beautiful and maddening, hard and worthy work of a life.